SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN

I’ve done my share of blurting out things I wished later I hadn’t blurted.

We are told in the Bible in the book of James that “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”  And in the book of Proverbs, it says “Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth.”  Of course, that is all excellent advice, and I try to have that be my general behavior.  But my default behavior—especially if high emotions are involved—is to speak quickly and then think.  I’m not proud of this tendency, so I do my best to live as the Bible instructs.  It’s better for everyone, including me.

Some people have difficulty speaking up in situations.  I have no problem with that—my trouble is keeping quiet in situations.  So the saying, “Silence is Golden,” certainly applies to me!  But I contend that silence is not always golden, and those folks who find it difficult to speak up can wind up causing as much trouble as those of us with a blurting issue, although in a much less noticeable way.

When my emotions run high and I am in blurting mode, I know that what I’ve said might very well cause a problem with another person by hurting or offending them.  That’s not hard to figure out, and afterward, I try my best to follow up with an apology and an effort to make amends.  At any rate, if that person chooses not to talk to me, at least I know what I’ve done to cause that silence. 

Recently, God’s been helping me break an old, not-so-good habit of thinking everything is about me. 

Guess what?  It’s not!  What a relief!  When someone seems upset, I have learned to stop automatically thinking the person is upset with me because of something I’ve said or done.  Truth is, there could be a dozen reasons causing that person’s particular behavior at that time, none which I’m responsible for.  So after giving it a quick review and prayer to see if it’s something I’ve done, I’ve learned to stop looking for answers.  I trust God to let me know if I have a part in the situation and what I should do about it.  Until He does, I give that person grace and space and move on.  This saves a lot of time, energy, and unnecessary pain in my life, and the life of the other person.

But I am not always aware when I’ve said something that has bothered or offended someone.

I’ve discovered that I can bother or offend in casual conversation without any emotion involved.  Usually, my first clue that something is amiss is I notice a particular person is no longer talking to me.  In following the new behavior God is teaching me, I prefer to overlook the silence and instead consider that this person has just been busy or not feeling well, and hey, my dialing finger isn’t broken, so I’ll reach out.  But in this age of Caller ID, it’s easy to let calls from someone we’d rather not talk to go to voicemail. 

Or, if the person is someone I must interact with regularly, I notice their conversation with me is different—kind of impersonal, short, and frosty.  There’s no exchange of friendly chit-chat.  As I’ve mentioned, I have no trouble speaking up, so naturally, I ask someone who used to talk to me and who now isn’t if anything is wrong.  I am typically met with the frustrating answer, “Nothing’s wrong,” or “I’m just tired/busy.”  Based on the friendly relations I’ve had with this person in the past, I am left with the awareness that something is indeed wrong, but I’m not going to be told what it is.

When I was around 8 or 9 years old, two girlfriends of mine suddenly stopped playing with me.  

One day when I knocked on the door of one of the girls’ homes, I found them playing together.  I wanted to join them but was told no, so I asked what I did to make them stop playing with me.  One of the girls responded, “Well, you should know what you did; after all, you’re the one who did it.”  Then she closed the door on my perplexed face.  Ouch!  How could I make amends with my friends for something I did when I had no clue what it was, even if I was “the one who did it?”  I later learned that my friends overheard me saying something to someone out of context and totally misinterpreted the situation, thereby judging me unfit as a playmate.

I hate when that happens now in adult relationships. 

As one with blurting tendencies, I can understand how a quieter person might hesitate to bring up something that was hurtful.  By sheer personality, we blurters can overwhelm the conversation, inadvertently frightening the other person into silence.  So, fellow blurters, we need to learn how to invite others gently into a conversation about offenses, making sure they feel it’s a safe thing to do.

And quieter folks, if you’ve been hurt, offended, or bothered by something someone has said, it would be nice if you were able to kindly mention it and clear the air.  It’s not that complicated, really!  God instructs us to “speak the truth in love.”  Nine times out of ten, it’s just a misunderstanding and can be quickly resolved. Or perhaps it can be overlooked entirely and let go, without repercussion.  Then silence is golden.

If it’s not a misunderstanding but a genuine offense, it would be helpful if the person offended made the offender aware of the situation IF it’s an important enough offense that could interfere with or end the relationship.  Many might respond, “I hate confrontation and would rather not say anything.”  I can certainly understand that—confrontation can be difficult and painful.  But so is losing a once good relationship.

In any case, I think we can agree that blurting something out can be troublesome, but silence with no explanation is not always golden.