ARE YOU A PEOPLE PLEASER?

Stress comes when your gut says, “No, I can’t,” but your mouth says, “Of course, I’d be happy to!

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Matthew 11:28

I’ll admit it, I used to be a people pleaser.

I was one of those people who said “yes” to way too many things, hoping it would make me likable.  I’ve read that those who are eager to please others often have self-worth issues.  That was definitely me.  As you may have read in some of my previous posts, I struggled with believing I was worth liking.  And the one thing I thought would help make people like and accept me was to be very helpful, saying yes to every request that came my way.

I said yes to things I didn’t even know how to do.  As a new mom, I joined a support group led by a nurse at the hospital where I gave birth.  She wanted our group to establish a babysitting co-op, where the new moms would exchange babysitting services with other group members.  She asked for a volunteer to set up the co-op and looked around the room at all the group members.  I inadvertently made eye contact with her, so she asked if I would head up this project.  Eager to please her, I said, “I’d be happy to.” 

I had no idea how a babysitting co-op worked nor the slightest idea of how to set one up.  So I procrastinated.  And procrastinated.  I stopped attending the new moms’ meetings because I was so embarrassed by my lack of knowledge and progress.  Eventually, with great embarrassment, I called the nurse, lied that I “didn’t have time” to work on the babysitting co-op project, and quit the new moms’ group.  That was a real shame because the group and the babysitting co-op would have been a great help to me as an isolated brand-new mom.

Most people pleasers are unaware of what they are doing.

They think that they are just being kind and helpful.  When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish” or “I just want to be a good person.”  Those are noble goals, but if done from a place of insecurity, fear of rejection, or a need to be liked, it’s actually unhealthy.  Also, it can lead to being taken advantage of without their realizing it.

The people pleaser has an overwhelming need to please others.  They don’t want to fail or disappoint them, for their greatest fear is being unliked and abandoned.  Their self-worth rests entirely on what others think about them.  They will work themselves to exhaustion to win the validation they need.

I realized I was a people pleaser when someone asked me why I felt I had to do so much.

I had busied myself with everything I could possibly volunteer for at church.  (NOTE:  Church activities present a natural hazard for people pleasers.  Each activity appears very worthwhile, and how can you say no to a worthwhile activity?  And what will they think of you if you say no to a worthwhile church activity?  A people-pleaser dilemma for sure!) 

One day after a church service, I was chatting with one of my friends and listing all the things I had to do over the next few days for the church.  I was sure she would be impressed by how busy I was on behalf of the church.  But to my surprise, she asked me, “Why do you do all those things?  That’s way more than anyone should have to do.  You’re wearing yourself out.”  I was stunned by her comments.  I admit it never occurred to me that I didn’t have to do so much.  I felt it was my responsibility, my duty, to work hard for the church, even to the point of exhaustion.  Didn’t everyone do that?  Wasn’t that the “right” way to be?  It made me think about why I was doing all those things, and eventually, I came to see the light.

I have a friend who always pushes aside her needs to accommodate everyone else’s needs.  Like I used to, she frequently lists the various things she does to help family, the church, and various friends.  While this is admirable, she sounds exhausted and frustrated when she enumerates all her duties, like she has no time for herself.  But if you ask her about it, she’ll say, “Oh no, I love helping others.”  But in actuality, she sounds burdened by the things she has to do.

So what’s a people pleaser to do?

Helping others is always the right thing to do.  But we need to remember that we don’t have to help every single person all the time.  We need to do what we can, what we feel God is calling us to do, and then trust Him that He will bring others alongside to help share the burden.  He calls us to serve but does not call us to exhaustion.  So if we’re feeling frustrated and exhausted, we need to step back and evaluate what we’re doing and why. 

That’s what I did when my friend challenged me after I listed all my activities to her.  Her honest words helped open my eyes to the truth that I was trying to win validation from leaders and church members.  I didn’t have to do so much, and to come to that realization lifted a huge burden from me and helped save my emotional health.

A verse from a song called “People” goes, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”  That is an excellent and true statement—we do need each other.  But let’s make sure it is done in a healthy way.