TO LOVE ME IS TO KNOW ME

We can put our minds at ease because God’s mind is always on us.

“How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly!  I can’t even count how many times a day your thoughts turn toward me.”

Psalm 139:17

I noticed something I’ve mentioned in a couple of my posts that I’d like to address.

You might have noticed it yourself.  It has to do with a fear, originating in my childhood, of being overlooked and forgotten.  Here are a few examples:

• When I was the loser of the fight, my hurt or the wrong done against me was never acknowledged.  It was overlooked and forgotten as if it didn’t matter.  (Post – Forgive and Forget)
• I wanted everyone to know I was hurt, and if I forgave or let go of that hook, no one would acknowledge that I had been hurt—much like when I was growing up.  I felt I would be left alone with unresolved hurt. (Post – Forgive and Forget)
• In this case, I realized I was in the habit of thinking about myself first because I was afraid that if I didn’t think of myself, nobody else would, and whatever was important to me would be overlooked and forgotten. (Post – It’s Not All About Me)

Do you see the pattern there?  I needed to know I mattered. Those feelings were a direct result of my upbringing.

As I tell my story to you, I don’t mean to disrespect my parents.  I understand now that they did their best with what they had at the time.  I was one of five siblings, and we were well cared for physically.  We always had food, clothing, and shelter.  My dad was a steadfast worker and went to work every single day.  Mom stayed home and took care of us.  We were blessed in that regard; I know that now, and I am grateful. Reflecting on their behavior, I realize that was how they showed love for their family.

But some crucial things were missing in my years of growing up.  I deeply longed for more than just my physical needs to be met.  I wanted to be seen and known.  I needed to believe someone cared deeply about me, someone who understood what made me tick and cared enough about me to find out why I felt hurt or angry.  I needed someone to light up and be glad to see me when I entered a room.  I needed to know I mattered.

Mom and Dad couldn’t give me what they didn’t have themselves.

Dad was what is called a functioning alcoholic.  Yes, he went to work every day, regardless of how he felt.  But when he was at home, he drank most of the time and had a temper.  My mom was the typical codependent spouse.  She was a people pleaser, working hard to avoid Dad’s temper and denying there was any problem in our dysfunctional household.  Each of us kids learned to adapt to an environment where alcohol addiction created significant emotional pain and stress.  My behavior manifested in having very low self-esteem.  I believed I was not good enough and was somehow unlovable.  This led to my being a controlling perfectionist.  And I was always angry.

In addition to our physical needs, we are “hardwired” to have particular emotional needs.

God has placed within each of us the desire to be known, loved, and accepted for who we are, and if we look to Him, He generously gives us all those things.  But if those needs aren’t met, our emotional growth is stunted and we remain immature, which will be reflected in our behavior.  If we were blessed to have those emotional needs met growing up, we won’t be perfect as adults, but our behavior will be much more mature and stable–especially as we remember that God Himself knows us, loves us, and accepts us for who we are!

If you let your past control your present, you rob yourself of a future.

As my life unfolded, those bad feelings developed in childhood only grew stronger.  I felt powerless to fight them; all I wanted to do was hide those feelings from everyone.  I wanted to become someone else because I believed no one wanted the real me.  So I began drinking to cover those feelings and eventually became like my dad—a functioning alcoholic.  I let my past control my present, and by drinking, I was robbing myself of a future.

The story of my alcoholism is one I will share with you in other posts.  But I wanted to share this much with you now because the lack of my emotional needs getting filled when I was growing up resulted in specific behavior when I was grown.  And that is the behavior I’ve been sharing with you in other posts.

Emotional needs are required all of our lives.

If you are still raising your children, fill their little “emotional tanks” daily!  Hearing words like, “I love you,” “I enjoy you,” and “You are terrific” are beautiful tank-fillers and do wonders for the human spirit!  And we never stop needing to hear words like that, no matter what our age!  Sometime soon I will tell the story of how my mom, just weeks before she died, finally said the words I’d been longing to hear from her all my life.  What a gift from God!  What a filling of my emotional tank!

And here’s a contribution to your tank: Has anyone told you yet today just how wonderful you are?