The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Colossians 3:13
All of us have experienced unforgiveness at one time or another.
I know I certainly have. Someone observed that unforgiveness is like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die. In the end, you are the one who is harmed, and the other person, unaware, doesn’t feel any pain at all.
In the past, I didn’t know how to forgive.
It wasn’t modeled for me in my home growing up, so I never learned that forgiveness was necessary. If we had disagreements (more like fights, actually), somebody was the “winner,” and the “loser” was just supposed to forget about it. Apologies were never offered, so there was nothing to forgive. When I was the loser of the fight, my hurt or the wrongs done against me were never acknowledged. They were overlooked and forgotten as if it didn’t matter. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but that was my reality. I carried this mindset and behavior into young adulthood because I didn’t know any other way. It wasn’t until I got married that I began to learn about forgiveness. But it was difficult to do.
Why is it so hard to forgive and forget?
I have been hurt or wronged about a million times. Okay, maybe not quite that many, but a lot. The deeper the hurt, the harder it is to forgive. But forgive, we must. And then we must forget. Which is harder? That’s a question for the ages, isn’t it?
Years ago, I was in the middle of a conflict at work. Some untrue things were being spread around about me by a co-worker, and I was profoundly hurt. I remember leaving the office on my lunch break to go for a walk to try to deal with this hurtful situation. While walking, I prayed to God, saying, “Father, even though I’m being treated unfairly, I know you want me to forgive this person. But how do I do that? Why is it SO hard for me to forgive?”
And as I prayed this, I saw in my mind’s eye a picture of a finger formed in the shape of a hook.
God was showing me that by not forgiving, I was holding that person on a hook, unable to get away from my thoughts. And then He revealed the reason I was doing that. I was trying to prevent that person from escaping the acknowledgment of my hurt feelings. I needed her to know that she had hurt me. I wanted everyone to know I was hurt, and if I forgave or let go of that hook, no one would acknowledge that I had been hurt—much like when I was growing up. I felt I would be left alone with unresolved hurt.
But God reminded me that I would not be alone with my hurt.
He is always with me, and He cares about my feelings. He asked me to straighten out my finger and let it go, trusting that He would take care of everything. And letting go meant forgetting it too—again, trusting Him to give me what I need and not try to get it from others.
Forgiving, or letting it go, means that possibly the person who hurt me may never acknowledge it or apologize. But if I trust God to take care of me, that won’t matter.
It has taken me many years to learn this and put it into practice.
Sometimes I must start with just being willing to forgive. And sometimes that even begins with willing to be willing to be willing to forgive—however many “willings” it takes until I can truly forgive from my heart. But when I do, two beautiful things happen: One is I am set free! The consequence of using that “hook” to hold onto others meant I was the one who was trapped. If I held on, I was not free to live my life as God intended.
Quite recently, I felt hurt by something someone had done.
Foolishly I vowed to stay mad at this person. Later that day, when I was praying about other things, the Holy Spirit reminded me that unforgiveness was in the way of my prayers being heard. I immediately confessed and forgave this person from my heart. The most delightful feeling of freedom swept over me, and I was no longer mad at this person. That brings me to the second of the two beautiful things that happen when I forgive: I am pleasing God by forgiving. And that is the purpose of my life; to please God.
5 Responses
This is such a hard issue for most of us. Even with forgiveness the memory of the hurt is harder to shed. I have found that when I pray for the Lord to pour out His blessings on the offender it is impossible to hold on to a grudge. So thankful that God’s grace and forgiveness toward us is ongoing.
If the Lord has forgiven us how can we not forgive?
Thanks, Jan. You bring up a wonderful point–God’s grace and forgiveness toward us is ongoing! And He wants ours to be as well. The great news is that He will help us in this, as He knows how weak and frail we are. Praying for blessings on the offender is a perfect way to let go of the hurt. And as you said, “If the Lord has forgiven us, how can we not forgive?” Blessings to you, Jan!!
My mother refused to forgive her father who she believed had hurt her in her late teens. Everything she did was affected by that hate and hurt. Up until she passed away, she held onto those feelings. As an adult I tried to talk to her about this and didn’t convince her of how that would be a blessing to her. That hate affected my whole family and as a result I had to forgive her. I wrote her a letter after she passed explaining how that hate made me act and feel. And I forgave her. Occasionally I’ll attempt to drag that back and that “small voice” reminds me that I forgave her and hoped that in her afterlife she too found a way to forgive her father. All I can add that forgiveness in deeds lighten the soul.
Beth, that is a great example of how unforgiveness can affect not only ourselves but others. I’m sorry your mother never found the peace of forgiveness in this life, and I’m glad you are able to recognize the blessing forgiveness can bring. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.